Don’t Be That Wife: Part Dos

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One of my last posts was Don’t Be That Wife. This is the second installment. Sometimes we need to be reminded of some basics. First, the Bible doesn’t want us to be hateful, angry individuals. Anger is equated to foolishness (Proverbs 14:17, 29; Ecclesiastes 7:9). Our first priority is to be a godly woman. Married or single. Children or no children. God’s Word clearly outlines how we are to conduct ourselves. Secondly, if you are married, you are to be a godly wife. You are to mirror Christ through your marriage. Lastly, you are to be a godly mom. Our attitudes will greatly influence our families, both our spouses and our children.

In Titus 2, we read that the aged women are to teach the younger women. I have all girls. They have some wonderful examples to look to at our church. Godly women. Faithful women. Discerning women. But this verse also applies to me as a mother. I can pretend to be all that and a bag of chips at church and I can post all the right things on Facebook but do you know who really sees whether I am sober, discreet, chaste, and a keeper at home? My children. It is my responsibility to teach my daughters these principles. I can give lip service all I want, but my actions and my attitude will speak volumes. I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “More is caught than is taught.”

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This man is amazing!

If I am constantly hateful to my husband, it shows my girls that I don’t truly love him (Titus 2:4), it shows them my disobedience (Titus 2:5), and it blasphemes the Word of God (Titus 2:5). My attitude toward my husband will greatly influence my children. My girls will more than likely pick up my habits and be hateful to their spouse, if they get married. They can overcome it and break the cycle, but it is a difficult journey. It can affect sons as well. They may be more likely to marry someone who will verbally abuse them, thinking that is normal.  Not only that, but my children will quite possibly treat their friends with the same disdain they observe day in and day out. Eventually, they will complain they don’t have many friends. Is it any wonder with attitudes such as theirs? I don’t think we realize how much our stinky attitudes are soaked up by our children. Even if you are pleasant as punch to your children, having an antagonistic relationship with their dad makes them more likely to resent you as they grow older, if they don’t grow up just like you. Even if they don’t grow up to resent you, biblically, your attitude is wrong. Just remember: What you do, your children will do in excess.

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Denver/Seattle Game

If my husband and I do have intense fellowship, which is not very often, apologies are not only made to each other, but to our children as well. My children need to see forgiveness, not harboring a grudge. My husband and I were raised 2 different ways. My parents fought to the death so to speak, and I don’t remember apologies ever being made. It eventually blew over. Guess what I brought into our marriage? An antagonistic spirit when things didn’t go my way. And I expected my husband to argue with me. My husband’s parents never argued in front of the children. The problem with that is my husband never saw conflict and resolution. So guess what he brought into our marriage? If you love one another, you NEVER argue. That’s not healthy either. We’ve had to work extremely hard to find the right balance. (We have, by the way.) I never want my children to live in fear of “Is today the day one of my parents leave?” and I never want to hear my child plead with me: “Please don’t fight with daddy anymore.” Your relationship with your husband will affect your children. (Anyone remember Jon and Kate Gosselin?  Were you really surprised when they split up? Did you ever watch some of the earlier episodes?)

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Bedlam, Baby!!

I’m going to be transparent here. You also need a healthy intimate relationship with your husband. Of the couples I know that have a nonexistent intimate relationship, there are issues. Do you know how it feels to go through weight ups and downs, fertility issues, weight ups and downs, miscarriage, traumatic birth, cancer, more weight ups and downs, and your husband still find you attractive?! Oh. My. Word. It’s amazing. You have to question his sanity sometimes, but man, is that true love or what? Hold hands, hug, let your husband kiss you. Kiss your husband. There is security in that for your children. (And it’s so much fun to gross our kids out when we kiss.) Our children will be bombarded with the world’s view of intimacy and marriage. Teach them what is right and godly by modeling it for them.

Ladies, your relationship with your husband is vital to the development of your children. (I’m not talking about an abusive situation here. That’s a different story.) Please, please, please understand what an effect you have. If you are a ministry family, your home life, church life, and social media life must be consistent, or your children will see the hypocrisy and want nothing to do with it. If you are a Christian family, your home life, church life, and social media life must be consistent, or your children will see the hypocrisy and want nothing to do with it. Do your best to model a godly marriage.

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Isn’t he handsome?!?!

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Don’t be that wife.

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Have you ever considered how much power a wife and a mother wields? If she has a bad day, the whole house suffers. If momma is having a bad day, everyone knows it. We laugh at the signs at craft shows that say, “If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy,” but there is so much truth to this statement. Our attitudes set the tone of our homes, and the Bible speaks to this numerous times. God has given us clear instruction how to conduct ourselves as women, wives, and mothers. (I put them in that order on purpose.)In order to have a happy and successful marriage, we would be wise to read God’s Word and heed it.

Proverbs 14:1 reads, “Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.” I picture this verse as a game of Jenga. You know, the game that starts out with all the wooden blocks stacked like a tower and one by one each player removes a block. As the game continues, the structure becomes unstable and eventually crashes to the table. At the end of the game, the pieces are put back together like nothing happened and the game starts all over again. My house is that Jenga tower. As I destroy my husband with my words, my “structure” becomes more unstable. But my family, my house, is not a game. It is real life, and I can’t place the blocks back like nothing happened. The words that are said can never be shoved back into my mouth. The words spoken and the tone with which I speak has already done the damage.

Twice the Bible tells us “It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.” (Proverbs 21:9, 25:24) Can you imagine? It is better for my husband to sit on our roof than to hang out with me while I’m having a moment? And notice it says in a “wide house.”  I believe it means no matter how big the house, there is no place to hide. Proverbs 21:19 states, “It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.” Of course, this was written before modern camping conveniences. It is sad to me that any man would choose isolation in the rugged wilderness over the comforts of home because of a contentious woman. Also, don’t be a nag. Proverbs 27:15 tells us “A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike.” Now, I like a rainy day every now and then. But think about a continual dropping of water. That sound. Over and over. No relief in sight. No other sounds to listen to but drip. drip. drip. drip. blah. blah. blah. blah. nag. nag. nag. pick a little, talk a little, pick a little, talk a little, cheep, cheep, cheep, talk a lot, pick a little more…

These verses don’t specify a wife. They say “woman.” If you are single, these words still apply to you. First and foremost, we must desire to be a godly woman. We must desire to please the Lord in our actions and our demeanor. The Lord often links anger with foolishness. Proverbs 17:28a states, “Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise:” In other words, “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.” (Lincoln, Twain, no one really knows.) Later in Proverbs you find, “A stone is heavy, and the sand weighty; but a fool’s wrath is heavier than them both.” (Proverbs 27:3) Picture being stuck in quicksand and someone comes and hands you a curling stone. A fool’s wrath is heavier than that.

The book of Genesis explains to us that Eve was made a help meet for Adam. The article adjective “a” indicates a noun. According to Webster’s 1828 dictionary, help is defined as “Aid, assistance, strength or means furnished towards promoting an object, or deliverance from difficulty or distress.” Also, as a verb help means “to assist; to succor; to lend means of deliverance.” Lastly, “to remedy; to change for the better.” My job as a wife is to help my husband. To assist him, to lend strength towards effecting a purpose. (In a Christian marriage, our purpose should be to glorify God in all we say or do.) The word meet here is an adjective. It means “fit; suitable; proper; qualified.” I should assist him in a proper way. I should desire to assist my husband and lend a means of deliverance from a hectic day or antagonistic workday. I want to create an environment where my husband WANTS to come home. Do you realize there are men around the world who cringe at the thought of going home to their wives on a daily basis? I don’t want to be known as the “old ball and chain.” “A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.” (Proverbs 12:4) “For three things the earth is disquieted, (made uneasy, restless, or disturbed) For an odious (hateful) woman when she is married;”. (Proverbs 30:21a, 23a-parenthesis mine)

I would like to encourage you, Don’t Be That Wife. Don’t be odious or hateful. Don’t be a nag. (Ever notice you can’t nag without getting hateful?) Don’t be constantly argumentative. That being said, I’m not advocating you to be a personal door mat. If you know me even just a smidgen, you know that I am a little outspoken. Okay, a lot outspoken. But, I try to defer to my husband when needed. I have respect for my husband, and he has respect for me. I want nothing more than for my husband to say that his heart, “doth safely trust” in me. (Proverbs 31:11)